The thing about depression is… it is pain. It is physically felt even if not physically seen. Depression can weigh on you. Heavy. This episode of We Heart Our Lives Community contains mature themes. Listeners discretion is advised. For the purpose of maintaining their confidentiality, names and some identifiable characters have been removed or altered, but their voices and stories are real. Many people have this idea of what depression should look like and because of this notion or perception people can be dismissive about believing that someone is battling with depression because it does not look like this classic stereotypical picture in societal mind. It's as if people need to see your pain in order to believe that there is pain when an athlete gets hurt on a field or court, you see the visible manifestations of their pain right, they’re held over they’re in agony and despair and the crowd is like, oh my God, right, people come running to their aid with depression. It's not so much the same. there's no team really running to your aid to get you back in any game, the same courtesy is often not offered if they do not see your physical pain. The thing about depression is is that it is pain. It is physically felt even if not physically seen, I'll say that again. It is physically felt even if not physically seen. Depression can weigh on you heavy. For a period of time, I suppressed this invisible pain. Looking back, this actually was my first bout with depression encountering this depressive period in my life, the next time I felt this round of depression, it just felt like a heavyweight, like I was being weighed down. I was coming through a traumatic experience pretty much alone, the few that new offered surface comfort. They did the best that they could. But back, then there was no trauma related centers or no trauma-informed spaces as the growing numbers that there are now which are still very few, back then sleep was my friend and it was my enemy. I didn't have the definition then for what we now know or call anxiety or panic attacks, but those were common manifestations of my depression back then. Like walking through mud, you know, it was murky it was slow it was thick and these were how my thoughts were too. My Godly belief thankfully did not make me dwell in his realm of actual planning or actions. I didn't think about pills nor was I taking any type of pills or medication? I didn't think about any like knives or anything like that. I said to myself that I'd rather rock out this parentheses dope life sentence, even if I chose not to believe that it was dope. I'd rather rock out this life sentence. I felt like I was going to do this bid than face eternal turmoil if I took my life. But there were times back then even if natural causes prevailed. I told God. I'm okay with that. Like I'm really good, you know, that was my thoughts back then. I was a deeply affected by the most recent loss of comedian actor Robin Williams, which now, I just saw that it's been 5 years but it still feels recent and that's what loss is right it doesn't have like a expiration of oh my God, that's so long ago. It still feels recent. Robin Williams reminded me of a childhood friend who was known to keep crowds in stitches with his humor. I remember this one nostalgic memory pops into my mind of this Summer that we all went to the beach on his college break hang. He was in rare form with captivating a whole audience with his humor. At the end of the evening coming back home just us alone. He became extremely sombre, you know quiet and still and I noticed that there was these like glimpse of sadness that was just ebbing through so I asked him, did you have a good time? And he said, yo Marsh I spent so much time making everyone laugh but not once did somebody make me laugh. And with that he just dropped off to sleep. That was a game-changer in knowing something about him for me. Even more recently your song quote on your website, which is capturing Little Wayne's lyric insertion and the song Mad hit me differently when I saw him receive an award and talk about his experience that raw story you're blessed if you can actually even discover your root cause while you're going through any dark period of your life, it's usually hindsight for me that reveals I think hindsight is like your best gift but it's a gift and a curse right but in the short episodes that I experienced and that's not necessarily short. Let me be authentic with that. Some of this was kind of like years long, especially the second round because it came in like intervals. If you will, right, in the short or longer intervals episodes, I experienced they all had to deal with healing and growth.

Dealing with depression when it runs in your family. This episode of We Heart Our Lives Community contains mature themes. Listeners discretion is advised. For the purpose of maintaining their confidentiality names and some identifiable characters have been removed or altered, but their voices and stories are real . Depression is something that runs in my family. My mother had it my dad struggled with it and inevitably I have it, here and there I would say it's more, seasonal almost, but I don't really believe that you have depression and then at some points you don't I think it's there but it comes in its waves and sometimes it's very bad and sometimes it's better. So yes, I've experienced depression anxiety panic attacks. I've learned how to cope with it that works for myself and I try and help those around me that struggle with it as well because I understand how hard it can be. You just can feel like you're in the darkness and you're alone in a lot of things and I try to project that onto the ones that I love that they are never alone and I can help them get through it with whatever they need. With Suicidal Thoughts, yes, I once was going through a very very hard time and I thought that that was the only way out of the pain that I was feeling and the struggles that I felt. Like I just would not be able to overcome. I felt like that would be the easiest way to escape it all. And I wanted to just sleep all the time and I didn't have a plan of how I would do anything. But I knew that I did not feel comfortable starting another day feeling the way that I was feeling and that scared me a lot. I just slept all the time and I never really thought that I would get through it. The pain was unbearable. I can't really put it into words, but I really felt like there was nothing more that I could do and the thought of not being here anymore just completely took over all of my thoughts and my decisions and it was a very very scary thing and a scary mindset to have, especially with the circumstances in my life and the obligations and responsibilities that I had of course that made it worse. But I mean the things that I had to do were just put on the back burner and I wasn't really doing anything that would better my situation because I didn't care to. Thankfully I did reach out for help because as much as I didn't want to live I knew that that would be a waste if I had never reached out and I just struggled alone because of the huge amount of people that I have or had and still have around me that were willing to help and willing to listen to me and even one person. I knew that I had numerous people and I was so lucky for that. So I reached out to them and I explained to them how I was feeling and how I really didn't feel like I would make it, much longer with how dark, my thoughts were and like I said, I didn't have a plan but even just the thought of not wanting to be alive that was enough for me to know that I needed to get help to prevent myself from getting to the point that I did have a plan. So after I reached out for help, that's when everything just started to get better because I luckily had these people around me to take the time to really listen to me. And just work through problems and just remind me that. There's so much more to life than these dark moments that you have. They're not as big as you think they are in the moment. Of course, they matter so much to you and you feel like there's nothing e lse that can happen that's good in your life. You're just completely hopeless but to be reminded of how how many more opportunities that you are going to be given throughout your life. Definitely wakes you up and just puts things in perspective to how you can have an influence in this this life and this world and inspire and help others when they're feeling down because I really just believe that we all need to work as a team and understand that a lot of us have been there and currently to feel like I'm, I guess essentially out of it is I mean, I'm so grateful that, I'm still here and I didn't fall completely into the sadness and the dark thoughts and I realized how much more I had to come and unfortunately, I have lost people to suicide and that came after the fact I would say I did lose a friend. It's going to be 2 years and it's a wake-up call man. It's a wake-up call because when it's happening to someone that you love you immediately feel so I mean destroyed that this person that you love felt this way and for me I can relate to it because I was there.

Black privilege is when you create something out of nothing. This episode of We Heart Our Lives Community contains mature themes. Listeners discretion is advised. For the purpose of maintaining their confidentiality names and some identifiable characters have been removed or altered, but their voices and stories are real. Right before I left Atlantic Records, I was in a great pocket. I was learning the music business as an assistant. I was becoming a great A&R, I was learning from the great A&Rs. I was on the number one Urban label and I was making all the right decisions and meetings and networking with the right folks. There was a point where I had left Atlantic because I had to watch my nephew so I couldn't work there so I got really, I don't know if it's called depression because I was always you know play drums to do something but it's not what I wanted to do, so like right there hit rock bottom. And so I had to figure out what I needed to do. So that's why I was like, yeah, I need to find an artist and that's where I found Stam. It's like I kept pushing. I found Stam Goody started working with him piece by piece. Then I had another partner in LA that wanted me to join his company. So everything started happening once I just you know, put my focus back on the art that I wanted to be a part a part of and just left all the bullshit all the women all that other extra shit alone, but I yeah, I can never say I was depressed. I was hurt. I was hit rock bottom, but I don't know. I don't think I had depression. You know, I would hate to have that shit because I should probably fuck with my ass. You know, I'm too happy go lucky and to looking on the positive sides of everything. to be depressed, I don’t know. I havent had it so but those that's my testimony. Second time I hit rock bottom was when I broke up with my ex girl, maybe like three years ago. We got into a bad argument relationship was basically over had moved her into my apartment and I broke a mirror. I never touched her, but I broke a mirror that I bought. She called the cops. I tried to get back into the house couple days later. I left, came back. and I guess she had filed police report against me and and the cops were like, well she could arrest you right now, get you arrested right now because she has a complaint. I'm like what it was my mirror. I broke my own shit, but nah, she said it was hers. So I just looked at her and she just had a malicious look on her face and she was like, yeah lock his bitch ass up. So my ass went to jail and in the midst of all that I sat in a jail cell. And I wasn't working on music. I was working at a hospital. So, you know, that shit was bothering my ass I'm not doing what I love to do and what I wanted. So the entire time there I just felt this thing it’s like yeah, you know what this is my fault. I broke all my rules that I had. Got with a girl who had a baby. She moved into my spot, Haitian girl. I’m like nah, this is all me. So I had to sit there recalculate are all my steps and what I did and for those 12 hours. I was in there maybe like 8 of those hours, I was by myself. So I just meditated and was like, yo, you get out of here., you gonna focus on music. So yeah, so then when I got out of jail I had to go back to the apartment to get my stuff, thinking, Ya alright I'm good. Nah, I had to move out. So that was kind of like hurtful because this is my place. I have my name on the on the lease, but she had squatter's rights. So I had to literally go to court to try to get her out. So what I did was like, you know what, fuck this I'm leaving. So I dropped everything I left everything in that apartment and just moved out and that's when Siya took me in and was like now we're going to get you back on your feet. You know, I had good friends. Lamar was there Siya was there I had some family members. You know, they were like, Yo this what you gonna do. You gonna leave that bitch alone, you're gonna focus on music, focus on this art and maybe like a year later. I moved out to LA and now we had two projects out. Peyton's probably going to get a publishing deal soon and now I started Gumbo Agency. Well, I'm going to be working on the music side with artists. I got a brand manager. I got a brand specialist. So we're just going to try to pave a way, make a way, you know, I realized that black privilege is when you create an opportunity out of nothing. So this is what we're doing. So but yeah, that's my story. So my advice that I would give to someone going through the darkest time would be this might sound rough. But 90% of your circle don't give a fuck cuz everyone's going through something but find your tribe. I mean the people that mean the most to you and that are showing you support and that hold you down and continue dreaming continue pushing, striving, because you will win and when you win for everyone in your tribe, the tribe wins, you can't give up because there's other people behind you looking for motivation. Yes, it is hard. But even going back to get a real nine to five or retracking your steps, stay solid and remember to stay focused and with me going through my hard times and staying focused and staying prepared and mentally focused and now I am head A&R at Good Vibes Cartel label I manage a great producer by the name of Peyton Long and I found my joy and my love back for music and I was able to open up Gumbo Agency and which we represent artists and collectives and it's a beautiful thing. beautiful thing. Oh one more thing... Sensational.